“Possession is nine tenths of the law” used to say my honorable teacher at university. Years later, I came across this exceptional book, Overcoming Jealousy, the best one I have read on the prominent urge to possess and the displays of jealousy in us humans. Thoroughly illuminating this hidden emotion, it renders it both accessible and palpable while showing efficient ways to deal with it through examples drawn from real life. An intricate emotion which we do not want to attribute to ourselves, and prefer to not talk about to avoid kindling the feelings of shame, distress, and sorrow. Yet most of us happen to experience it in ourselves, in different facets of life, in professional or social settings, in familial contexts, or among people close to us.

Jealousy Defined

Putting aside the matter of amorous jealousy, a universal definition is lucidly framed in this book:

Jealousy signifies the negative emotion we feel when we see another person benefiting from an advantage that we do not have, or would like to be the only one to have.

Though the difference between “envy” and “jealousy”  is distinguished by the authors, since the distinction is not strictly observed in daily usage and since the word “envy” does not exist in all languages, “jealousy” is used for both instances throughout the book.

Being jealous makes us bitter about another person’s good fortune. As this emotion grows more pronounced within us, we reach a point where we can no longer stand to see the object of desire in the possession of the other person and this becomes a source of constant distress for us. We desperately seek for ways to possess the same or even a better one. The object of desire can be anything  —money, power, house, beauty, knowledge, talent, recognition, social position…

Sources of Jealousy

 In his book Medicine of the Soul, Bahram Elahi says that jealousy stems from the instinct of possession. This instinct, if uncontrolled, deteriorates into jealousy. Another source of jealousy is self-conceit and vanity, which cause us to believe that we are supreme in a great number of fields. When we see that someone else possesses something that we don’t, or that he succeeds in a shared interest, we suffer because we feel discarded by not being the best. The following example from real life evokes St. Thomas Acquinas’ question of whether envy is a kind of sorrow :

Some time ago, I felt extremely jealous of my older sister. To date, I have been more successful than she has, and I must admit that in my heart of hearts have always considered myself superior to her. One day in the midst of a conversation with my mother, she expressed admiration for my sister, especially for her “modesty and the inner beauty she radiates.” While I outwardly confirmed this praise, it set off a protest within me along the lines of “Then what about me?” The admiration I thought only I had alone enjoyed abruptly slipped away. Knowing for a fact that I possessed none of the qualities which touched my mother so deeply, I was seized with contempt thinking of all the advantages I had been so proud of just a short time ago.

Whom Do We Envy ?

“We are particularly jealous of those with whom we are in a competitive relationship.”

Aristotle proclaims that jealousy targets our equals and peers, those who are equals in birth, relationship, age, disposition, distinction or wealth. In addition, it is directed at those who are near to us in time and place. It often develops among people who find themselves in a competitive relationship, even if it is hypothetical or imaginary.

All the surveys and research show that we are more readily jealous of those who are close to us and with whom we have more common interests and values.

The simple fact of loving or appreciating someone — a close friend for example —  is not enough to prevent us from being jealous of her or him.

As recounted in this real life example:

I have realized that I can feel jealous of people whom I care for deeply, and who resemble me the most in terms of personality and social status. I have a friend who was my  classmate and we both failed our entrance exams to graduate school. After much thought, I decided to do the Special Research Cycle. Feeling content about my novel idea and relieved in finding a way to continue my studies, I mentioned this plan to my friend. He was delighted with my idea. When I saw him a few weeks later, I learned he was working to enroll in the program that I found. I was deeply disturbed that he would try to do the same as I was. After pondering over it for a while, I realized that my emotion was a form of jealousy because I had wanted to monopolize the situation for myself.

 What Do We Envy ?

What triggers our jealousy more than anything else is seeing someone possess, what we ourselves or society consider as valuable.

For example, if we get upset when we see our neighbor’s new car, our close friend’s new home exactly in the location that we like, or the professional success of a colleague, it is because of the value we attribute to them, and desiring the image and social standing gained by its possession.

We might not believe that we have a jealous nature because the conditions for expressing this emotion have yet to converge within us. For instance, we may be associating with people who have nothing that we consider worth envying. All that is needed to activate our jealousy, however, is to come into contact with someone who possesses what we desire or what we believe we deserve most in this world.

Why Hide ?

Even if we know that we are jealous, it is not easy to accept it. This is true for all weaknesses, but especially for jealousy. It is one of those shameful emotions we all try to conceal from other people and from ourselves, for it is indicative of a feeling of inferiority and miserliness whose existence no one likes to acknowledge within himself.

Sometimes the object of jealousy remains vague, such that we can’t put our finger on it; nevertheless a lingering mist of unhappiness dwells inside. At other times, we may indulge in a feeling of  superiority, or even worse, in disdain for the envied person. All of these feelings serve to conceal our jealousy.

Symptoms and Effects within Us

Psychological Effects

• In general, jealousy emerges in our psyche with a feeling of sadness (whether manifest or not) and hostility toward the good fortune of the person we envy, as well as a feeling of satisfaction regarding her misfortune.
• When jealousy is severe, it prompts a burning sensation. “It eats away our heart like an acid that first attacks its beholder then permeates its surroundings,” says Bahram Elahi. This acid can ruin our thinking and turn into a complex. In such cases we develop a morbid curiosity about the people whom we envy. If we are too inquisitive about the joys and woes of the other people, or too concerned about one specific person, then we have to acknowledge the possibility that jealousy may be at the root of our impulses.

Behavioral Effects

• A cool and distant attitude coupled with a feeling of superiority over the envied person helps to mask the symptoms of jealousy.
• An openly hostile behavior towards the persons envied, like talking against their back, striving to highlight their weaknesses, defaming them, calumny, etc. Such destructive behavior temporarily helps to relieve the suffering of the envious person. Mozart was destroyed by Salieri in Amadeus, Galileo was arrested and banned from communication with other scientists, Marie Curie, after receiving her second Nobel prize was accused by journalists for having a love affair with Paul Langevin.
• Pretentiousness and showing off in subtle ways like mentioning the important things that we do (the things which the other does not do), our personal accomplishments, social successes, or material possessions. All of this helps us to disavow and forget that we feel threatened by the person we envy.

Mental Effects

Like any other negative emotion, jealousy emits an energy which others feel. Even if the receivers may be unaware of its nature, like a boomerang, they send it right back. Eventually they get to dislike the sender of this energy and avoid him…

When relationships fade away, jealousy might have taken away the spark:

I got along very well with a female friend of mine. After she got married, we continued to see each other for some time. Her husband was then promoted to quite a high level, with a proportionate raise in life standards. That is when I sensed a split between us. I felt that she looked down on me and I was no longer good enough for her. Gradually we stopped seeing each other. Later, after talking to someone else, I realized that her attitude stemmed from my jealousy. She grew apart from me because she observed that I envied her, and she could no longer allow herself to act naturally with me. What confirmed my intuition was that when I began resisting the envious feeling within me, and consciously fighting against it, her attitude towards me changed.

Spiritual Effects

Jealousy corrodes the substance of our soul.

It knocks down our self-awareness and darkens our field of perception. We deceive ourselves through our jealousy. If we don’t fight against it, our jealousy will increase and activate other flaws in us like backbiting, ungratefulness, malevolence, and violating the rights of the person envied.

It leads us to see others negatively —meaning we misjudge their intentions and merits — and also to close our eyes to ourselves. We get jealous because we believe we deserve more than the person whom we envy, and that triggers a feeling of unfairness within us. It may be expressed as ungratefulness and even rancor towards God  (why didn’t you give that to me? ). In our discontent and sulky rejection of God, our motivation and faith is impaired while a destructive feeling of rebellion settles in us.

On the self-harming aspect of jealousy, Saint Cyprian of Carthage writes that whomever we envy will be able to escape and avoid us. However, we cannot escape ourselves because the enemy is within our heart; destruction is shut up within. But the cure lies within us too. It is not enough to be aware that we are jealous; we must also know whom and what we are jealous of, the extent of our jealousy, and the circumstances that trigger it.

Remedies / Therapy : Thinking Differently

As long as we are alive, we retain the “instinct of possession” and the possibility of an excess or the deficiency of that instinct remains. Therefore, jealousy will always potentially exist or recur within us.

Creating Motivation to Fight Against our Jealousy

• Recalling the harmful effects of jealousy

The only result of jealousy is suffering which hinders our material and spiritual progress. To envy what others possess does not allow us to acquire those benefits. Salieri did all to destroy Mozart, but that did not make him a Mozart.

When we envy someone for material reasons, its negative repercussions impact our material lives. For example, it may bring material harm or difficulty such as the loss of a professional opportunity, a friendship, or a loss of our zest for life.

When we are jealous of someone spiritually, it blocks and stops our spiritual progress. In the story of Cain and Able, when Cain, submerged in his jealousy, killed his brother Able, he deprived himself of reaching his ultimate spiritual destination.

• Taking into account the baseness of this weakness

First of all we must be aware of our weaknesses. Then to see the baseness of jealousy, we can begin by observing it in others. The aim of this exercise is not to criticize others, but rather to pass through the mirrors of others on our way to returning to ourselves. Then the inner struggle against it is begins.

Autosuggestion

Autosuggestion means to change our way of thinking and inwardly convince ourselves that jealousy is futile, and to gradually become aware of the true reality of all things.

• Consider everything we have and ask : “Am I willing to swap places with the other person?”
• Contemplate the value of things and ask : “What is the true value of the object that I desire?”

• Reflecting on fairness and merit : By reminding ourselves that God’s justice is absolute and fully implemented in this world.  “Why him and not me?” when we ask this question, we can tell ourselves that whatever others have is a result of what they have previously merited. If someone has something that we lack, it is because they have done something to earn it. How do we know that being in their place would be beneficial to our material and spiritual development? Moreover if we have sincere faith in the just and compassionate creator, how could such a creator deprive us of what we deserve or what is beneficial to us? We have to grasp the reality that the envied person has not taken anything away from us, but rather is in possession of what is rightfully hers. Mozart did not steal his musical gifts from Salieri, nor did Abel rob Cain of God’s approval.

Taking Action to Overcome Jealousy

• Detecting and recognizing jealousy in ourselves : Look for feelings of sadness, the tendency to belittle or ignore someone against whom the negative thoughts are harbored, etc.
• Perseverance : “Only by repeatedly and persistently practicing an ethical principle will it gradually become integrated within our spiritual substance and eventually become part of our second nature,” says B. Elahi  on the crucial value of perseverance in cultivating a virtue.

• Acting Counter to Our Jealous Thoughts :

 Exercise 1

Every day for at least two minutes, focus on what you have that others do not.

Exercise 2

Every day for at least two minutes, try to find the merit that led to the success of the person whom you envy.

Exercise 3

Every day for at least two minutes, come up with logical reasons relativizing the value of that which you envy.

Exercise 4

Every day of the week compel yourself to perform a good deed for someone whom you’re jealous of. For example, do the person a favor, call them to see how they are doing, speak kindly to them, or invite them for a coffee. In short, any act aimed at bringing you closer together and showing your kindness to them is a good deed.

The lightness, relief and joy earned by overcoming jealousy is a huge gain worth the pain.

Duygu Bruce