In his international best-seller book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, John Gray writes about the united life of Martians and Venusians who happen to find each other on earth.

One day long ago the Martians, looking through their telescopes, discovered the Venusians. Just glimpsing the Venusians awakened feelings they had never known…quickly they invented space travel and flew to Venus.

The Venusians welcomed the Martians with open arms. They had intuitively known that this day would come. The love between the Martians and Venusians was magical. Delighted in being together, learning and discovering each other, they explored each other’s needs, preferences and behavior patterns. For years they lived together in love and harmony.
Then they decided to fly to Earth. In the beginning everything was wonderful but the effects of the Earth’s atmosphere took hold and one morning everyone woke up with peculiar kind of amnesia –selective amnesia!

Both the Martians and Venusians forgot that they were from different planets and were supposed to be different. In one morning everything they learned about their differences was erased from their memory. And since that day men and women have been in conflict.

He cheerily writes about the universal differences of temperament between men and women. By drawing typical examples from everyday encounters,  he provides down to earth clues which would motivate the partners to get closer and stay away from what keeps them apart.

The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and support a man when he isn’t talking. This was unheard of on Venus. At first a woman thinks the man is deaf…Native American tribe mothers would instruct young women to remember that when a man is upset or stressed he would withdraw into his cave. It did not mean that he did not love her. They assured her that he would come back. But they warned the young woman never to follow him into his cave.

Primary lesson for women is :

        Never go into a man’s cave or you will be burned by the dragon !

A woman under stress plunges into her well where she is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood.

Primary lesson for men is :

       Don’t show her solutions, just listen to her. By supporting her need to be heard she could support his need to be free.

Partnerships like life is a game one plays. He illustrates the game with scoreboards which one can use as a quick reference for self-rating  vis-a-vis his/her partner

Here are some hot points from the scoreboards provided in the book :

Examples of score points with men :

1. When he makes a mistake and don’t say “I told you so” or offer him advice.
2. When he gets lost while driving, do not make a big deal out of it.
3. When he asks her to do something, say “no” without giving a list of reasons why you can’t do it.
4. When he comes back from his cave, welcome him do not punish him or reject him.

Examples of score points with women :

1. When she talks to you, put down the magazine or
   turn off the TV and give her your full attention.
2. Resist the temptation to solve her problems –
   empathize instead.
3. If she wants to change her outfit in the last minute,
   be understanding.
4. Bring home her favorite pie or desert.

The essential human condition is the need for primary love. Though this need is equally common for both men and women, the way each gender seeks to receive it differs.  Women need to receive it in caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation and reassurance; men need to receive it in trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval and encouragement.

In the springtime of love, it is a magical time when everything seems perfect and works effortlessly. We dance in harmony and rejoice in our good fortune.

Throughout the summer of our love, we realize that our partner is not as perfect as we thought, and we have to work on our relationship. Not only is our partner from another planet, but he or she is also a human who makes mistakes and is flawed in certain ways. We need to nurture our partner’s needs as well as ask for and get the love we need.  As a result of tending the garden in the summer, we get the harvest the results of our hardwork in autumn. It is a time of thanksgiving and sharing. We can then relax and enjoy the love we have created.

Duygu Bruce